Ookla Triggers - A Pro-humanity Company Policy

[Note: Fear not. I will write about intellectual property -- patents in particular -- soon.]


Ookla Triggers

A helping hand to our brothers and sisters immediately after an apocalypse.

fantastic design by pixie the gatorfantastic design by pixie the gator


Disaster strikes!

The kind which sparks Mad Max or The Night of the Comet or any of these couple hundred examples

Humanity will transform into savage monsters after the water and electricity and internet and more turns off.

If not for Ookla Triggers!


When bills do not get paid, services shut off. All automatic-like with business logic tucked into the code saying, deadbeats don't get shit.

Fair enough.

What about when disaster strikes?

When bills cannot get paid?

A megatsunami knocks out the US West coast. Space invaders invade from space. A super virus wipes out 96% of humanity.

When bills cannot get paid, everyone automatically transforms into a deadbeat.

Services universally and permanently suspend as humanity most needs the support.

supervolcano via When Yellowstone Explodes


Why not a few triggers to let services run free indefinitely in case of existential disaster?

Let your brothers and sisters have water and internet and SeeSo and electricity and whatever while stitching society back together. Put a pause in the old profit margin while friends and neighbors fend off Daleks or demons.

If you're still alive, CEO, because you rode out the chaos of the virus through lucky genetics or evaded the killzone of the supervolcano because you helicoptered to Vancouver Island you can reinstate the old policies later.

Or leverage your newfound control and goodwill into your very own city state! A proto-empire for your offspring. [note to self: future post]


Trigger 1: No Internet at All

Your powerplant can't talk to the internet for a week?

Maybe it's not our fault, hoser. Maybe it's really foggy outside.

Trigger 2: Mass Non-Payment Outage

Weird, 80% of our customer base didn't pay. Wonder if the meteor which wiped out most of state had anything to do with it.

Trigger 3: A Super Secret Safeword Humanity can Memorize

You work at the CDC or are a demonologist? In case of emergency text seriouslyImNotAnAddict! to 0118 999 881 999 119 7253 (They're your emergency services.)

What did I miss?

Protip: Talk to your PR department before issuing any statements on any apocalypse or post-apocalypse company policy!


I'm not sure what drives the old classics' -- power, gas, water -- code bases . COBOL on an AS400? (We can make a call for these platforms.)

For modern services who use NodeJS -- Netflix, we'll want those Bill Burr specials for belly laughs and Planet of the Apes movies for reference -- here's a kernel:


File Structure

- OoklaTrigger

  + PeppyEarlyPostApocalypseChatbot.ts
    Can you imagine the pep talk you'll want? Plus throw in some handy links like Primitive Technology guy (below).

  + YouWillMeasureYourOwnSoulJustBrowsingThis.controller.ts
    Inside here are the constants you'll use to define just how bad the disaster needs to get before going full pro-humanity.

  + favicon
    It's all about branding!

  + README.md
    No readme, no project.

You're welcome, humanity!